why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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