aparently we are going to have sex infront of her friend. ill call you tomorrow
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
We're too hungover to prance.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
