Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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