and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
