My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
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I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
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All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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