Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
