I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
God I need to hump something, right now.
Randomize
