Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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