Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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