How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
