finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
Randomize
