Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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