Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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