the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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