he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
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Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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