How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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