I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
