dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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