Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
