Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
