You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
be right there i have to get my cape
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
