If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
