my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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