my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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