Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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