Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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