one word: firstdatebathroomanal
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
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