had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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