friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
