I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
