I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
