I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
