i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
