R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
