did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
