On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
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His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just invented taco cereal.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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