OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
