You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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