I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize