WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
