Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Pants are for mortals
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
