Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
