smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He better not be in your backpack
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
