Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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