i wish starbucks made bloody marys
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
