he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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