Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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