For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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