I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
