i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
