i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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