There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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