He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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