WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
