So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
