I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
