I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
