I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
