Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
