I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I wish i was in the wii world.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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