if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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