I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
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I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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