He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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