Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
