I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
