Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
